England!
It's time.
- I can't do it, Boss.
What?!
Come on, son.
I love her.
This is bigger than that! This is the big one!
You've got tickets to see England play in the Euros!
Everything we've dreamed about and now we're there! We're there!
We're so close. Think about the crowd.
The fans. The atmosphere.
Just take a deep breath.
She doesn't have to know.
We stay focused.
Get the job done.
What are you thinking about?
I'm thinking...
where the hell are we going?
Cut it out. We're going to Hawaii.
Jamaica?
- Better not be Vegas. -What's wrong with Vegas?
It's England, isn't it?
My dad is paying for us to go to England on our honeymoon.
I can't believe you've guessed England. I mean, of all the long shots.
Portugal.
Oh, Mark.
Come on. Come on. Come on.
Come on. Come on.
Come on.
Come on. I know you're here.
Yes!
Come on! Come on!
There she is. Look at ya.
Sorry, what? I didn't hearyou? What, sorry?
What, tickets forthe England games?
Surely not. What, three tickets forthe...
Oh, absolutely blinding.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Come on! Come on!
Look at me.
You're going to get away with this.
No one's gonna be any the wiser.
Bosh!
? Is this your time?
Yes! Here we are again for another classic match,
brought to you by Fly On The Ball.
All eyes are on Mark Lamanuzi from England and his American wife Holly.
They're on honeymoon. He's got tickets to see the England games.
But will she find out? The sun is up and the teams are ready.
Well, there's only one way to get in on the action.
It's over to our commentary team. John Smith-Jones and Alan O'Luan.
Well, Alan, this will be a fascinating contest. Two very strong sides.
Remarkable really that this is the first time these teams have met in Europe.
Who knows which way this one will go?
You can never be sure of anything,
but you can be certain he'll try to get the ball upfield, get an early goal.
She will, of course, stick to her style of play.
Let him come on strong, then slowly chip away at his weak spots.
Well, truly thrilling, we're in for a great game of football.
Check this out, babe. "Dolphins can be viewed by boat all year round."
Oh, baby, swimming with dolphins.
That's so romantic. I've always wanted to do that.
Look at this place.
Mark, it is gorgeous!
Whoo! Oh, this is amazing.
Baby, come here.
Look at this.
I told you I wouldn't let you down, didn't I?
What are you doing? What are you doing?
I think you know what time it is, girl.
What time is it, Daddy?
No!
Ah, babe.
Oh, my God.
It's beautiful.
It's amazing.
Come here.
This is wonderful.
Why don't we just move here?
Sounds perfect.
We stay focused.
Get the job done.
Eng-er-land, Eng-er-land, Eng-er-land!
Will you shut up?!
? Eng-er-land, Eng-er-land!
? Eng-er-land, Eng-er-land, Eng-er-land!
? Eng-er-land, Eng-er-land!
? Eng-er-land, Eng-er-land, Eng-er-land!
? Eng-er-land, Eng-er-land!
? Eng-er-land, Eng-er-land, Eng-er-land!
Can't have been that bad. I would've heard.
They were singing all night. I wanted to kill them.
- They were just lads having fun. - They were being complete assholes.
- My dad was right about soccerfans. - Oh, your dad?
He likes baseball. That hardly gives him the right to lecture anyone.
-What's wrong with baseball? - It's boring and it's crap.
At least the fans know how to behave themselves.
That's cos they're too busy eating.
We were talking about noisy, drunken soccerfans.
There's no such thing.
? Eng-er-land, Eng-er-land!
Shit!
Holly! Holly! Holly, wait!
-You were saying?
-Yeah, but... - It's fine, let's just go take a look.
Tickets! Tickets!
This place is really going off.
- Please move. - Can ljust get past?
I know what this is. I think England are playing in Portugal.
- What?! - I know.
I know. What a fucking coincidence.
- How...
Look at this, it's amazing.
It's unbelievable, innit?
Check out all these fans. Have you ever been to an England game?
No. I tell you what, I've always dreamed ofit.
If you're lucky enough to get a ticket, it's an Englishman's rite of passage.
I rest my case.
Come on, let's go, before it goes tits up.
-All right, mate? -All right. How's it going?
Not good, bruv, to be honest with ya.
You ain't gonna believe this.
Brilliant! Aticket forthe game. What's wrong with that?
- I can't go. -You can't go?
- No. -Why not?
My wife.
- Your wife? - She doesn't know anything about it.
-Yeah? - She's American, we're on honeymoon.
I thought I could slip in to see a game. She'd go through the roof.
Oh, you poor bastard.
-What did you bring yourwife for? - Cos...
I don't know. I'm in a situation now, though.
Damn right you're in a bloody situation. So what you going to do?
I don't know, man.
I'll tell you what. Go around there, show herthis ticket,
look her in the eye and say "I am going to this game".
This is your destiny.
- I can't do it. -Why?!
Because her dad's paid for everything, that's why, mate.
It's a wrong 'un. I should have told her before.
Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.
Just let me think about it.
Got it! Right? Got it. You'll like this.
You go round the corner, talk to yourwife.
I'll come round the corner, pretend to be a ticket tout
sell the ticket to you for 50 euros.
You get to go to the game, she doesn't suspect a thing.
-Yeah? - Genius.
- Sure you're up for it? - Of course, it's England/France.
Right, go.
Hey! Good luck.
-You all right, my princess? - This place just shoots itself.
-Would you look at this wall? - That, my dear, is a properwall.
All right, mate, I was wondering if you wanted to buy a ticket.
-Yeah, mate. -You got a ticket for England/France?
I've been looking everywhere. Come on, how much do you want?
- 100 euros. - Er...
- 100 euros right now. - Erm...
- One hundred euros. - I'll give you 150.
- 150 euros! - 200.
- 200? - Come on, 200.
- Mate, please. - 250!
250 forthe lady!
- Mate. 275, mate. - 275?
- 300! - Holly.
- 300! - 300! Done! Goes to the lady.
-What do you mean "Done"? -Just fuck off!
- I don't care. -We're all done.
400 euros in my wallet says that we are not done.
Come on, mate, please. 400 euros.
OK, 500!
-Yes!
Well done, son!
500! There you go.
Thank you.
- Have a good time. - Sweet.
- Thank you. - No problem.
Sorry.
- Are you happy? - You don't know what this means to me.
This is England/France.
I can't believe it. You're the best wife...
Don't forget that.
I will neverforget that. Come on the England!
Awonderful opening period. Action coming from both sides.
A scrappy goal, but well deserved?
Certainly. He had to work hard forthat one.
He put their keeper under pressure. And fending off a counter-attack.
Not one forthe record books, but just the start he hoped for.
Splendid start. He'll be delighted.
One thing's for sure, this will increase the tempo of the game.
It's in the bag. She seemed distracted by the rough reception she was getting.
lfit affects judgment you need to do another line.
-You mean draw the line? - That's what I said, and I mean it.
Thank you, Alan. Another pearl of wisdom from my esteemed colleague.
Where do you think you're going?
Breakfast.
That's really unprofessional!
- It's such a beautiful day!
- Can we go exploring. -Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yes. Liquid football. Go on, my son.
Ta-da! Ooh! Ooh!
Mark? Are you listening?
Oh, ho-ho! Do you want this ball? Ta-da.
Go on, my son. Wahey!
Mark.
Right. That's it.
Till Death Do Us Parts. We provide, you taken for a ride.
Yeah. Is this The Husband Factory?
I'd like to report a malfunction.
You'll have to be more specific. What kind of malfunction?
Well, it's my new husband.
Yeah. He's just not what I expected.
They never are, darling. They never are.
What model is he?
Erm... He's kind of dark and smelly. Does that help?
No. What about his serial number?
Serial number?.
Yes, they all have one. Just below his boxer shorts, on his back.
I see it. It says L-O-S...
Loser4.0.
Loser4.0. Oh, I rememberthose.
Always a bit of trouble in the morning.
How do I get him to take me to the beach?
OK, you need to reboot him.
Take hold of the dual power pack just below his belly button and yank.
- Really? - Really hard.
OK.
-You are in so much trouble, mister. -All right. All right.
All right. All right, I'm...
- I'm up. I'm up. - Good morning, my love.
The van, Alan!
What's happened to the van?
Where is it?
You didn't lock it, and now some bastard's robbed it.
Right!
Mark. Hurry up.
All right, my love, I won't be a minute.
So far, so good, Mark, my lad. So far, so good.
One match down, two to go.
So, you know, a bit of sand.
A bit of waves.
Bit of sunset. Yeah.
Maybe an ancient ruin, and I do mean maybe.
Three days of the honeymoon thing and we're golden.
- Look, Alan.
Look, it's perfect.
Fuckin' eejit!
Oh, come on, Alan, there's lots ofleg room.
Alan!
Whoo! Go!
Wahey!
No!
No! Don't even think about it!
- Mark!
I mean it.
Mark!
I'm not having this.
- I'm calling yourfather.
Hmm.
Hello.
Jack, it's Mark. It's your daughter, she's playing hard to get again.
Again, Mark? I don't know what to say.
Well, sorry would be nice. Mark, I'm so sorry.
This girl should be an angel.
- He's very upset, actually. - Mm-hm, we'll see about that.
Jack, don't pick it up, son. Jack. No, Jack.
Don't pick up the phone, son. Ignore it.
- Hello. - Daddy, why did you let me marry him?
Er... I felt sorry for him, Hols.
This guy would never get anotherwoman.
Then he drugged me, he robbed me. My darling daughterwas stolen from me.
Keep it together, Jack.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry my daughter's...
...difficult. I'm so sorry, Mark.
He's no good foryou, darling.
He's English. They're terrible lovers.
- Grab hertits! - Call the police!
-Wear her clothes. - Pee on his shoes.
- Pee on his shoes? - Mm. Yeah.
I ain't playin' anymore.
Hey.
-You still looking for dolphins, babe? - Mm.
I'm starting to think they don't like me.
I've told you, you know, you have to book 'em in advance.
Mm. Maybe they're on vacation.
No. They're on a cigarette break.
Dolphins don't smoke.
They go to art galleries and do yoga.
Wankers.
Come on, what's gonna happen?
I mean it's not your fault. Yeah, that's it.
You got the tickets way before you met her.
You've been planning this for ages. You... You...
You're innocent. Yeah, she's got to understand that.
Shit, babe, I really want to tell you the truth.
I really do, it's just I'm...
What you talking about?
She's a bird. She won't understand. This is about football.
Fuck, I've gone too far. She's going to leave me, her dad will kill me.
England are going to fucking lose. My life ain't worth living.
smells like we're lost.
We're not lost, Alan.
- Lost. -We're not lost!
Just tell her. She'll understand.
Oh, come on, Mark, tell her.
Tell her the truth.
- Pull in here. - No, this is the way.
- It's not. - Pull in there.
You're beginning to get on my tits, Alan!
Just wait. Let the pie come to the kettle.
Football! Football!
Oh, just stop it!
Stop it! Stop it!
You're just a stupid, smelly Irish...
Fuck!
Alan. Alan.
Alan, open... Alan, open the door!
Fine!
Fuck!
Open the fucking door, Alan,
you stupid moustachioed Irish... Open the fucking door!
Come on, where we going?
I told you, it's a surprise.
Well, Alan, as we go into the second half,
he's up by one, but both teams are giving it their all.
As he cheats his way into England's second game,
what must be going through his mind?
Well, he's probably thinking right now
"How am I going to hide 60,000 English fans from my wife?"
Yes, Alan, I should think he probably is.
I mean, look at this.
Look at this, how old this is.
And look at this window. Here, look. Look.
Oh, yeah. Very nice, darling.
It's amazing.
I see, if we keep going down here we get to the cathedral.
Actually, I think it's this way.
No... What you doing? You're hurting me.
- I think it's this way. - But the cathedral...
But I like the smell of this way.
Show us. Show us.
Right. What we do is go to the bottom of this street, all right?
We do a cheeky little right up here, then I'm sure there's a left there.
Holly! Holly, wait!
? Eng-er-land, Eng-er-land!
? Eng-er-land, Eng-er-land, Eng-er-land!
Did you know about this?
I had no idea. This... This is really weird.
- Ifl find out that you did... - Holly, no, no. Look. Look.
This is a coincidence. All right, a lot biggerthan the last one,
but it's still a coincidence.
This is crazy.
I would never do that. This...
This is our honeymoon. We got married.
Yeah, I did notice.
Do you really think I'd take your dad's money to come and see the football?
That is just ridiculous. I can't... I can't believe that you'd believe that.
Please, why would I bring you here ifl knew England were playing?
Because you wanted to see the game.
-We're on honeymoon. - But you want to see the game.
Holly.
Tomorrow we get out ofhere, yeah?
Yeah? We go to the mountains.
Just you, me, the beach and a whole flotilla of fucking dolphins.
Yeah. Come on, let's go. Come on, babe.
Come on.
What the hell was that?
No, you don't talk. I talk, you listen.
- That was chaos. - But we're a goal up, Boss.
And lucky to be. We don't deserve it, and you know it.
We started great, and then we just fell apart.
Now, listen, she's made a switch at the back.
It'll be hard to get the ball in behind her.
So...
Here's what we're gonna do.
Come in.
This, my friends, is a ticket forthe game.
- But, Boss,... -What?!
Her defence will spot it a mile off. We need to try something new.
All right. Plan B.
You ever... feel that sort oflike, erm...
It's almost like spiritualism or something, you know.
See what I'm saying?
Do you have a ticket forthe game?
Of course not.
Yeah, but you're going to try and get one?
Darling,... I'm here with you.
If one fell out of the sky, you would go.
That would be a miracle. And you can't question the work of the big man.
I mean, if God wanted me to go to the match...
There ain't no argument really.
I mean... He did bring me and you together, didn't He?
You can't blaspheme in a church.
I'm just merely pointing out.
-What's that? -What?
Come on!
Yes!
Get in!
Come on!
Beautiful!
Brilliant!
Shh!
Oh, boy.
- I think you got the wrong room.
Please leave before I call the cops.
All right, listen, I've... I've had a drink.
- No. - I've had a beer.
And I'm... I've took the piss.
- I should have come home. - Mm.
But, oh, when... He's...
When he's... Gerrard...
He's trapped... He trapped the ball...
And he's slid and I'm.... goal!
Oh, the... From where I was sitting...
- I mean, listen... - Mm-hm?
Because where we... We were sitting up, really high up.
ljust... I can't... you know.
I mean, it was... I mean, I...
Well, Alan, he's all overthe place.
I've... I've seen a beautiful game of football.
-And... I have. I have. I have. - Mm.
But even... Even though I was there, I had... I mean, I had...
I...
- Oh... - "Even?"
Whoa. There's no one... No one's here.
I'm here foryou. I love you.
- I've missed my baby. - Don't... even... think... about it.
- Mark! - I'm coming, baby.
Get outta here!
Shit. Are you OK, Mark?
What?
You mean "Mr Lover Lover"?
Ooh, yeah.
Whoo!
Don't think you can get away.
Oh, beautiful.
Oh...
Oh, my God, you are just so sexy right now.
Yeah.
-Who... Who's your daddy? - Oh, you are, baby.
- I'm your daddy. - Oh, it's all you.
Well, Alan, to be perfectly honest, this isn't professional.
My baby. My baby!
That's it. I'm gonna look after my baby.
I don't know about you, but it looks professional from here.
- Baby... - Ooh, something's happening now.
- This looks good. - Oh, for sure.
Nice move from the back.
There it is, the crowd can feel something.
- There it goes. - Oh.
Ooh, great strike!
But just wide.
Baby.
Mark.
Are you awake?
Ah, for...
Well, Alan, you think you've seen it all and then this happens.
That's the worst own goal I've ever seen.
- Mark. - Shocked.
-Wake up! - It's no more than he deserves, Alan.
You can't fly in with your eyes closed and expect to get away with it.
-Wake up, you drunk bastard!
I'm so sorry, baby, I lied to you. I've had tickets forthe games all along
and I have been dragging you around Portugal to satisfy...
my aggressive urge forworld-class football.
Oh, Mark.
Make love to me now.
- Mark. -Yes?
lfl even see another England fan, I will hold you personally responsible
and referto part 42B of the Just Got Married Handbook.
Cut your balls off.
I want to be treated like a woman you're in love with.
Tender kisses, treats, compliments.
In a word, romance.
Foryour sake, I hope Mr Lover Lover got on a plane back to England.
And we're not going to talk about soccer forthe rest of the trip.
- It's called football.
All right! This is what we are doing!
We're going to the mountains, then we're going to the Algarve.
- No football, no cities, no one else! -What about the itinerary?
Fuck the itinerary! Be spontaneous!
Holly, wait up.
This is so beautiful.
Come on, Mark.
Holly.
She's doing well. She's rallied the troops and is turning up the heat.
You're quite right, John.
Her defence is solid and she's got the midfield under control.
He seems to be sitting back, allowing herto put him under siege.
I'm not sure if that's wise, as we saw with that second goal.
He may have to do something desperate to avoid extra time.
Very true, Alan, very true.
Mark, are you OK?
I don't know. I feel a bit sick.
- Let's get you back to the hotel. - No, no, no, no, no.
Listen, you stay. I'll be all right, ljust need to have a little lay down.
All right.
Come on, Mark. Come on.
Just one more match.
You've got this far. Come on, you can do it, you can do it.
Just get her to Lisbon.
Get it done.
Come on, baby, it's not that bad.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're right, it's not that bad.
Everything's perfect, Mark.
This is supposed to be a honeymoon.
So you're saying the place was like this when you got back?
I'm gonna call the credit-card company. I'm gonna cancel the credit cards.
I can't believe this is happening.
I should contact the embassy about your passport. If we go to Lisbon...
Back to Lisbon?
Well, they can issue you with a temporary one.
- Oh, thank God. -What's that, baby?
They'll fax me a temporary ID whereverwe're staying,
which means that we can leave rightaway.
-What, this afternoon? -Yeah, why not?
lt'll only take a few hours' drive.
Fall asleep and wake to the sound of the surf.
What about the hotel? I've booked it fortonight.
Screw the hotel. I've been standing in the embassy for six fucking hours.
I'm tired of Lisbon. Let's get to the beach.
Taxi.
Hotel Olisipo, por favor.
Mark, are you coming?
-You go ahead, darling. You go. -What?
- I need to pick up a few things. -What things? What do you mean?
- I'll meet you at the hotel. - But, Mark.
Go on, mate. Go on.
It's our lucky day, boys.
Hello.
Je t'adore!
Wahey, darlin', no need to cry.
We'll rescue you.
- I saw herfirst.
All right, darlin'?
Holly.
You lied.
What's the matter, baby? Run out of miracles?
- Holly. - Don't.
It's over, Mark.
You had yourfun.
Now it's over.
- But I love you. - Then how could you do this to me?!
I have waited in the embassy for six fucking hours.
I mean...
who are you?
Don't... touch me!
But you don't understand.
Don't understand?
Well, erm, let's see now.
Erm... You marry me, you take my dad's money.
You buy a nice little trip to Portugal pretending it's a romantic honeymoon.
Lying to me to get me to be in the place you wanted to be.
Leaving me on ourfucking honeymoon!
Forfuck's sake, Mark! What is wrong with you?
I trusted you. I...
Well, you know what?
Fuck you.
-And fuck England! - That's a bit harsh.
Fuck off!
Holly.
Holly!
Holly, wait!
- Holly, stop. -Would you stay away from me?
What else was I supposed to do?
I was coming to Portugal way before we met.
I knew I couldn't tell you the truth. I knew you wouldn't let me go.
I love you.
You could have just told me.
Holly.
Just leave me alone.
Where'd he... Hey, wait up!
Charming.
-Are you all right? -Yeah, I'm fine.
Oh, come on, it can't be that bad.
Unless, of course, you don't like football.
My name's Suzie.
Holly.
We're going to that bar at the bottom of the hill. Why don't you join us?
That's really sweet, but I don't think I'd be very good company.
You have to be joking.
My husband is blind drunk, his friends are obnoxious and probably gay.
Come to think ofit, my husband is probably gay.
Suzie! Are you coming?
What is it with Englishmen?
You definitely need to come and have a drink.
- Suzie! - Coming.
Come on, I need all the help I can get.
Well, fresh legs, Alan. That'll have him worried.
It most certainly will.
He'll have to dig deep to hold on to that one.
Very true.
Holly!
Anyway, I must admit, that's pretty cheeky.
Who's cheeky?
Holly's husband. Anyway, you drunk git,
piss off and carry on talking about Wayne Rooney.
Rooney?
Rooney. Wayne Rooney!
Whoo.
Don't go home. Come with us, love, right? Me and Suze.
-We've had enough of Lisbon. - He's right. You should come with us.
My gorgeous Portuguese friend Miguel has this fat pad in the Algarve.
He saw the first three matches
and now we're going to chill on the beach for a week.
Trust me, you are in safe hands.
Alan!
Get yourfingers...
out of my mouth!
Alan!
Where were we? Let me get this straight.
He brought you all the way to Portugal on honeymoon to watch the football?
Uh-huh.
Genius.
- Baby! -Well, he didn't get away with it.
Alex.
All right, all right, I'm sorry.
You did the right thing coming with us.
In a week's time, sunshine, you'll be as right as rain.
Yeah.
Alan, it's people like you who are...
Wonderful stuff! But the tide now seems to have turned.
And it's really turned against him.
Oh, yes, it has, and in my opinion, my esteemed opinion I might add,
this gentleman is fucked.
Right. He is in Lisbon and she has moved to the Algarve, it's a long way away.
What can he do to claw his way back into this one?
Well, I think he should start crawling south,
from Lisbon down to the Algarve, across 200 miles ofbeing fucked.
Right. Well, of course, that's a long way to crawl.
But there's plenty of play left in this game.
It's not overtill the fat lady sings.
What's going on down there? Can we make a prediction? How will he do it?
Alan's prediction.
He's fucked.
Right. Thank you. Another pearl of wisdom from my wonderful friend.
wear moustaches,
so it's no surprise that Alan is having such a wonderful time here.
- Thank you very much, Alan. -Yeah, fuck you.
No, Mr Lamanuzi, she has not called in the last half-hour,
or the hour before that.
Thank you.
-You'll... if... I mean... - Si, si.
- ...if she does. - Si. Yes.
-You make sure that... - Yes, Mr Lamanuzi.
Of course. As I have said for the past three days.
We'll let you know as soon as she calls.
Where is she?
Oh, bollocks.
Mark! It's Jack!
Hey, ljust wanted to call and tell you how proud Christy and I are of you, son.
-We love you, Mark. - Hey.
Are you OK, boy? That's what counts. Do you want me to send you some money?
How about I buy you a ticket forthe final?
Come on, champ, tell me. Anything you want, my treat.
Name it, champ. Go on!
lt'll be the dog's tonight when we kick your sorry asses in football.
We have Figo. Figo is the fruit of the gods.
You have a Beckham. What is a Beckham, eh?
He's the world's greatest crosser of the ball.
- Bullshit what you're saying. - Blah, blah, blah.
You guys are pathetic. Why is it that you're all so obsessed with soccer?
- Right. - ljust don't get it.
To tell you the truth, it's not an obsession, it's a burden.
You know, a burden.
Don't look at me like that. It's a pressure, it's a weight.
It's like an albatross around your neck.
-What are you talking about? -You don't believe me?
Look at any of the fans in Portugal.
Every single one of them has at least two albatrosses around their neck.
The first one is the football team. The second one is the national team.
In my case Wimbledon, the Dons, and England.
Mark doesn't seem so bad now, does he?
- No. - Take Mark, for example.
There is a man burdened with a lot of albatross.
It takes a massive burden to do what our Marky Mark did.
I mean, just imagine the size of that boy's albatrosses.
-Alex! - It's OK, I want to hearthis.
Can I ask what team he supports?
-Yeah, Wimbledon. -What?
- Same as you. - The Crazy Gang?
- The Dons? Oh, God.
A brother in arms. This is all starting to make sense.
No wonder he pulled such a classy bird. I mean, I feel a strange bond.
My pain is his pain. My joy is his joy.
Come on, the Dons!
- They're all the same.
In fact, what are we doing here?
We should be in Lisbon supporting the team.
- Babe, you promised. - It's England! It's the quarterfinals!
It's Portugal in Portugal!
- And we're going to lose. - Ha! You see!
Listen to her! She knows what she's talking about.
What does she mean we're going to lose? What does he mean?
We can't lost to a custard-tart eating,
fake tan, non-moustachioed, pork and cheese wanker flirting with my wife!
We can't lose to Portugal. Wanker!
England will never lose to Portugal.
OK, OK. We'll win!
Nice one, Suzie.
Think about the albatrosses.
Come on, come on.
You know what it is, everyone fancies him. Male, female...
Shut up, Suzie.
This is the right way. Lisbon is this way. It has to be this way.
-We've got half an hour. -What time is it?
- 7.15. -Just focus on the road.
- I'm focused on the road. -You're talking about football.
- Focus. - Did I tell you about the offside rule?
- Baby! Hands on the wheel! Focus.
Don't encourage him.
If the attacker's past the last man when the ball is played he's offside.
- Concentrate! -As Rooney bursts through...
- ...shimmies up and slots it in. -Alex!
- There's a sign. - There's a sign.
Lisbon!
- Thanks, love.
Yes! Yes! Come on!
Yes!
Well, Alan, this is what internationals are all about.
Yeah, a bit of pride, passion, commitment.
- It's gonna be a real nailbiter.
Let's see who comes out on top.
Oh.
- Fucking brilliant! - Fuck off.
We're a goal up.
? Are you German? Are you German?
? Are you German in disguise?
? Are you German in disguise? ?
Aaaahhhhhhh!
Thirty years of football, I've never witnessed anything as miserable as that!
You should be ashamed of yourself!
Leave me alone.
We had it! We were there!
In the dying seconds of the game you just collapsed.
What happened?
Don't you get it? Are you blind?
I've lost her. You don't give a shit about me. What's the matterwith you?
lfl weren't under contract I'd smack you in the mouth.
Look, just go. Leave. I don't want you anymore.
You're a disgrace.
Who are you?
I'm your manager, and you want to sort your priorities out.
Don't you get it?
I've lost everything.
We got to get out there! We can do this, Mark!
- No. - Let's finish it!
No, it is finished! It's over!
What do you mean it's over?! What do you mean?!
Honey, would get that, please?
Please.
Thank you.
- Hello.
Hello?
-Jack, it's Mark. - Mark. Hey. Great to hearfrom you.
- How's Portugal? -Well,... not good.
-Why, what's up? - Have you heard from Holly?
No. Why, where is she?
I lied to her. She's run off and I can't find her.
What do you mean, you lied to her?
Mark?
- Portugal... - Uh-huh?
...has a soccertournament happening at the moment.
And I tried to get to see the games, you know, without her knowing.
And you thought you could get that past Holly?
-Yeah.
Christ, son, it takes years before you can pull a stunt like that.
-What? - You got to get this.
Women, they're not like us, they're wired differently.
I tell you what, you should have seen Christy when we got married.
She was a real dragon.
Now I got her just where I want her, and Holly, understand, is just like her...
mother. She's a beautiful, kind and passionate woman.
- Oh, hold on, hold on.
- I've got somebody on line two.
- Daddy. - Darling.
Baby, how's Portugal?
- It's terrible. - That's terrific. Here's your mom.
Daddy!
Hi, Holly. How you doin'?
I don't know what to do.
Oh, dear. What's wrong?
- He lied to me. - He lied to her.
He just came to watch soccer.
Jack, can you hear me?
Jack, if you can hear me, please, please forgive me.
I... I love your daughter. I would never do anything to hurt her.
I... I can't believe I lied to her. I love her so much.
Owen.
That is shocking. Where is he now?
I don't know. I haven't seen him in a week. Probably getting drunk.
Mmm!
- The English! -Yes, English!
And he'd taken all my money.
Oh... Oh, honey, there's another call coming in. I've got to put you on hold.
Will you just piss off?.! I've lost my wife. My beautiful wife.
And all you fuckers can do is stand here and talk bollocks!
-Ah, his wife? -Yes.
She was so easy, so beautiful.
No, I didn't lose her like that.
She ran off.
Hey! Why, man? Why? Why did she run off?.
Do you think erm...
I lied to her.
I pretended there wasn't a tournament so I could watch the England games.
Ooh, you naughty naught.
- Naughty naughty.
So what's the big deal, man?
- It's our honeymoon. - Honeymoon?
Honeymoon!
It seems like more a divorce, man.
- Oh. - I love her.
- It's OK. -And I've ruined everything.
Jack. Jack. Jack, are you there?
Yourwife is a man?
I've lost my wife,
and now my father-in-law hates me cos I stole his money.
-What? - Stole his money?
- Lying to yourwife. - Lying to yourwife.
Stealing from your father.
lfit doesn't work out with yourwife
you... you can take my sister if you like.
Will you just piss off?.! Piss off!
Mark.
- Mark. - Holly!
You haven't lost me. Not yet anyway.
Where've you been? I've looked everywhere.
I'm OK. I'm... I'm with some friends.
Good. Good, good, erm...
I'm so sorry I lied to you, baby.
And I'm so sorry I fell asleep while I was making love to you.
- Oh... - Mom, are you still on the line?
Yes, dear.
- Hello, Mrs Schaeffer. - Hi, Mark.
Mark, that really is a problem.
You're going to have to work on that.
Where are ya?
I'm at the top of Alfama. Where are you?
Well, I'm... I'm just booking us into the Aquatic Dolphin Park in erm...
Mark, you're on very thin ice.
Yeah, I'm gonna be there in two seconds.
Please.
Oh, baby.
I'm never ever gonna let you go, I swear.
I really missed you.
You sure you know what you're doing?
I can't explain it.
We lost.
I've never been happier.
You always were committed, Mark.
That's what it's all about.
-You all right, Boss? -Yeah.
Fine.
We're gonna miss you here, mate.
Good lad.
The fans will miss you, too.
I've got to get going. She's waiting.
Yeah, go on.
I never did see a dolphin.
Mark?
What's wrong?
I've got a present forya.
A present?
It's not funny.
No, it's not funny.
- It's a promise to you. -What do you mean?
I neverwant to let anything...
anything... come between us again.
I love you.
How much do you love me?
And how much do you love football?
And ifl throw this into the ocean, you're going to stop watching it for me?
Yes. Yes.
Hm.
-Wait!
Well, Alan, it's been a real rollercoaster.
Without a doubt, John.
I haven't seen a match like that since... since I don't know when.
I know what you mean, Alan.
We've had cards, we've had goals, we've had a penalty shootout.
I'm speechless.
Any final thoughts, Alan, for our viewers back home?
I...
It's...
I think it's time to go home, John.
So how long have you been commentating?
I have been commentating 15 years.
Fifteen years. Pfft! That's nothing.
You know, I've been commentating 40 years.
Cos technically I was a commentator in my past life.
Yes, Alan.
I went to a therapist and she did that hypnosis thing on me
and in my past life I was a famous commentator.
- Really? -Yeah, it's generational in my family.
So who was a commentator before you, Alan?
- I was, in my past life. - Right. Right.
It's in my blood.
Alan! Put that away! That's disgusting!
They're only balls.
Disgusting.
It's awful hot in this country, I tell you.
Don't do that.
Alan, watch the road. Can you do your job, please?
Alan.
-You'd sleep with her, all right. -Alan.
-Ah, you would. - No. No, I wouldn't.
-What about her? Her? - No. No.
-What about her? - Stop it.
What about her? Would you sleep with her?
Alan... Stop it.
Do you even like sex?
-Would you sleep with her? - No.
Come on now, you'd do her, wouldn't you?
I've got a girlfriend, Alan.
Oh.
Go on, missus, how's it going?
-Alan, she's about five years old. - I tell ya.
She was at least 50... Your Honour.
- I tell ya, if the police hadn't... - Do you want to drive?!
I told you. I've explained that situation.
If the police gave me back my licence I'd do the driving,
but they've temporarily removed it forwhatever purposes.
I'll be getting it back in about a year.
- Do you want a banana? - No.
Very good. They feed these to babies, you know.
They shouldn't, cos it's not very easy to digest.
Contrary to popular belief.
It is easy to digest. You just mash it up.
- They're not easy to digest. - Easy to digest.
- They give you constipation. - They don't.
Yeah, they do. They block me up. I can't shit for a week.
Do you want an onion?
-What do you mean?! - Stops you from getting cancer.
Oh, my God!
Disgusting.
Oh, God.
Are you sure you don't want...
Right.
You take this and you put it somewhere.
For God's sake.
Alan, you're really testing me.
Stop it!
Stop it, Alan!
Please.
It's very dangerous. I'm driving.
You're behaving like a four-year-old.
Stop it!
No more newspapers! No more bananas! No more onions, Alan!
No more vegetables!
I have had enough of this place! Everybody out!
You're fired. You're fired. You're fired.
You're not fired.
But everybody else, out.